It’s sad, when you’re 19 and pregnant how your unborn baby is spoken about as an “accident” or a “surprise” and whilst on the surface I could say those things to “justify” being pregnant, my darling girl you were never an accident. I know the precise moment you were conceived, I remember it so clearly. even now all these years later. I wished, hoped and dreamed of you at your conception and you made all of my dreams come true. When I finally had the courage to pee on the stick to confirm what I already knew, I was worried about telling your dad and of course ringing your Nan, as when I left home in my late teens she said, “don’t you ring me and tell me you’re pregnant!” I feared so much the disappointment, sadness and hurt in her voice. We visited a women’s clinic, a place where I knew other people had been to abort their babies, and whilst I knew it was something I couldn’t do, I felt I had to go because that’s what was “expected” of me, that everyone would doubt my age and my ability to be a mother. We had the first of many scans in that room and you probably not even the size of a grain of rice had the tiniest little smudge of a heartbeat.... that’s all I needed, that reassurance, to know you were real and on your way to us. The truth is you were the first big milestone in my life that actually meant something, the first time I wholeheartedly stood up for what I believed in. You set me on my path, you opened my heart to a love I’d been dreaming of my whole life, and I for not one second would take anything back or change even a moment of our journey. As you grew in my womb I was fortunate to be surrounded by a few other young women who had, had natural deliveries of their babies and I thought to myself, “If it’s something they can do, surely I can do it too!” As an Emergency Cesarean birth myself, my original view of birth was, “my mum had a small pelvis so I probably have the same and I won’t be able to birth my baby vaginally either!” I have no doubt in my mind that they were the first snippet I had into viewing birth in a different way. From those moments I filled my world with positive birth stories, I read all the books, we attended the hospital classes, even though we were the youngest there, we did not care we wanted to do what was best for ourselves and our baby. In the last two months of our pregnancy I received a place in the birth centre program and I was so incredibly grateful. We bought all the things and prepared for your arrival, I was tested on so many levels, work, family, friendships, emotionally, mentally & physically. My spirit was growing and evolving to make place for the person that would eventually become your mother. We could not have been more prepared for your arrival, but also had no clue what to expect. On the day you decided to join us it was the 7th of April, six days short of your estimated due date. I woke up at around 3.30 in the morning, I went to the toilet, wiped and there I spotted our mucous plug. I looked down in disbelief, with excitement, concern and anticipation. I knew our lives were about to change forever. My contractions started pretty much simultaneously with the loss of our plug. Faint at first, but enough for me to know that these were different, at regular intervals and building. Your dad and I, eager with excitement to meet you could not get back to sleep. We sat in bed, dreaming of you and played cards to pass the time away. There was a constant rhythm, a knowing that today was the day and around 6am I rang your Nana to let her know that my labour had started, that I thought today would be the day and if she wanted to be at your birth she should probably get on a plane. The sensations were building and I spent a great portion of my time in the bath as they began to get stronger. I’d get in and out of the bath numerous times before making the call to go to the hospital around lunchtime. Once we arrived we were taken to a beautiful, homey suite and were handled with so much care by our midwife. I retreated to the bathroom again, lay in darkness, in the warmth of the water, with a cool cloth on my head. I felt safe, secure and had surrendered to the process. Your daddy never left my side, if ever there was a man who was meant to be a young dad it was your father. Always taking care of me even though it hurt him to see me in pain and unable to help, he did what he could. He kept reassuring me, telling me I was amazing, rubbing my back and whispering I love you’s into my ears. I knew that things were really starting to ramp up and thought your arrival would not be very far away, at around 3pm we knew Nana had arrived in Sydney but also knew that time was progressing quickly. She arrived at the hospital at around 4pm when we were deep in the thick of it, I’d say now looking back near transition. I was very much feeling like I could not get through this, she wafted in with her essential oils and her kinesiology tools, helped your daddy and our midwife get me back into a state of knowing, that soon you’d be here, that I could do it and everything would be ok. I remember so clearly standing holding onto a windowsill, looking out but not really seeing anything and having Nana with a damp cloth with Lavender on my head, daddy standing to the other side rubbing my back and both of them taking turns to tell me how amazing I was doing. Not long after my water broke and I felt the urge to push. I tried a few different positions but ended up kneeling on all fours on the bed. I’ve never known such pain, strength, determination and power. It was by far the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life, yet at the same time the best thing I’d ever done in my life. Soon you would be here, soon you would be in my arms. As I birthed you from my body I transcended, I was also reborn, the birth of a Mama! When you came out I reached down between my legs and pulled you up, however time stood still, in everything I’d read and learned I’d never seen a purple baby(completely normal by the way) and you had your cord tightly wrapped around your neck (nuchal cord), in the 30 seconds it took for me to register what was happening, I thought you had already left this world and I began to panic. However we removed your cord so easily, your colour began to turn pinkish and you let out a cry. I was flooded with relief, hormones and the greatest love I’d ever felt. I looked into your daddy’s eyes and saw his tears flowing and never had I loved him more than in that moment. Time stood still, I knew that this is what I was here for. To be your mother and guide you in this journey of life. As we approach your thirteenth birthday, I can’t help but reflect on the past thirteen years, how much you’ve grown and how much we’ve grown together. You have always had the kindest heart and continue to shine that everywhere. As you’re growing and evolving into this beautiful young woman, I have moments of disbelief on how fast time has gone by. I don’t think you will ever truly realise the depth of love I have for you my sweet, strong and determined girl. You changed our lives for the better, you have helped to shape all that I am, you have tested me, loved me, hated me and forgiven me, sometimes all within a five minute window. Your love knows no bounds and I have every certainty you will bring magical gifts to this world as you continue to progress through life’s challenges and triumphs. I know that you have been dreading becoming a teenager and you don’t want to grow up. Whilst being a child is beautiful so is growing, finding out who you truly are, finding your voice, eventually standing on your own two feet and one day a long way down the track starting your own family. Be grateful for where you are at today, that you’ve got this day to live and make beautiful memories. Don’t be fearful of growing and evolving because you are magnificence in all its glory. You will do amazing things, all when it’s meant to unfold. I’ve known no greater joy than becoming your mother. As we continue to face this path together I hope we will always grow together, I will listen when you need to speak, be a shoulder for you to cry on, I will pick you up when you’re down, be your safe space and always try to protect your beautiful heart. I hope that you will continue to always want to give me hugs, whisper in my ear how much you love me and how I’m such a great mummy. My darling girl I love you, with all that I am, all that I have, and am so incredibly grateful to share this journey of life with you, as your Mama! Xx
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I don’t look like your stereotypical pregnant woman, you know the ones, with the beautiful hair, amazing bodies, perfect bumps and everything just pops back into place after baby arrives. You won’t see pregnant women like me in your newsfeed, or in catalogues or shared all over social media, because this is not what is society has shown us is a beautiful pregnant woman. But just like we all come in different shapes and sizes so does a pregnant body. This body has been stretched in more ways than physically possible, my stomach muscles are separated, my mentality has been tested time and time again and my heart has continued to grow and blossom over the past thirteen years, being a mum. There was a time not so long ago, when I couldn’t look in the mirror without hating myself. For so long I’ve been searching for acceptance of others without ever truly accepting myself. I have always had body issues and in my first pregnancy I gained around 45kgs. No matter how much weight I’ve lost since then, every time I see a pregnant photo of myself I am immediately transported back to that time and I lose sight of the fact, of how truly amazing my body is. This body, has bought four beautiful people into the world. It continues to magically grow our fifth baby due in about six weeks. This body has provided love, comfort, compassion and nourishment for all of our children and continues to do so. This body has been blessed numerous times to be able to grow and birth new life. It’s taken me 13 years to truly see the beauty that lives beneath this skin and I don’t ever want to feel unworthy of anything ever again. It took so much courage and strength for me to be able to shoot like this, but I felt it was something I needed to do to break down all those layers that have been holding me back. To truly see the beauty in myself that everyone continues to tell me they see. I know that for many of us women we lose parts of ourselves as we become mothers. Motherhood can force us to add layers and strip us completely bare. It can be the most beautiful and difficult time of our lives. It brings enrichment we never even dreamed possible and we focus on putting everyone else’s needs before our own. When we look in the mirror, we will not see the girl or woman who stood before us, sometimes this can be hard to bare. We may not like who we see anymore, unhappy with the stretch marks, cellulite and body shape that never existed before this moment. We see all the things wrong with us and forget to be truly grateful for the magnificence we are. We are not defined by our bodies, and whilst motherhood may have left us with skin we no longer feel comfortable in we are all still equally, if not more beautiful. As a mother of four girls and a woman who works with pregnant and postpartum women, I want you to know your worth. I don’t want you to be sad when you look in a mirror and don’t like what you see. I don’t want you to think that you are not beautiful, blessed and loved. I want you to know that even in your loneliest of moments, there is another Mama out there craving companionship, who also feels everything you are feeling. When we rise together in our beliefs, our self worth & our values, we help to pave the way for others. For our friends, our family and our children. It’s not important that we don’t look like we once did, because our journeys into motherhood have made us stronger, resilient and tougher than we ever imagined we could be. It doesn’t matter the number on the scale, whether your clothes won’t ever fit quite the same way or that you have marks that completely cover your tummy. Love and appreciate your body for all of your days because you know that magic happened here. There will never be any greater gift than the light that your children have bought into your world. Do not be ashamed of how your body has grown, nurtured and guided them here. You are truly blessed and beautiful, inside and out, beautiful Mama reading this. Please know that you are beautiful even when you feel you are not, wanted, loved and will always be the best thing in your children’s lives. All my love from this Mama’s heart to yours! xx Photos captured by the amazing Hayley Wernicke : www.hadasimages.com
Don’t get me wrong. I’m so completely grateful to be pregnant, to be able to conceive and grow beautiful healthy babies, I love sharing this journey with women and seeing new life bought into the world… But seriously sometimes pregnancy sucks. As a doula and a Mum of four children already I want to tell you, whilst pregnancy is beautiful and there is an amazing miraculous gift at the end its ok to honour yourself, your journey and to feel everything you are feeling. Some people cruise through pregnancy, in truth though most don’t. Whilst you think you can be mentally and physically prepared to become pregnant. The toll that it takes on your body and your emotions is something you are completely unprepared for, no matter how many times you’ve been through this journey. It’s often said, you teach what you need to learn. As a part of my job I sell affirmations for Pregnancy, Birth and Motherhood and as I was reading my way through them I felt so inspired and grateful to be pregnant. Until I came across one particular card and now it’s all I think about. The card reads: “Everything about pregnancy is beautiful. This journey has been enchanting, humbling and miraculous”. Right now, eleven weeks in… I call BS! On Wednesday I sat hunched over my toilet coughing, dry reaching, vomiting and even pee’d myself. I realised this week, my babe and I, we’ve reached new lows. It wasn’t enough to be constantly queasy all day, we had to ramp it up a little. The constant nausea, morning sickness, needing to vomit and headaches have all become too much and I feel like I can’t cope. I’m one of those “lucky ones”, that doesn’t really get sick when pregnant and morning sickness just equals feeling hungover all the time. But right now I feel so horrible, emotional and sorry for myself. I need to keep reminding myself that it’s all worth it in the end. That I need to be grateful as some people are so much sicker than this their whole pregnancies and some people spend their whole lives to trying to fall pregnant… and here I am feeling sorry for myself. As women and mothers we often feel like we need to put on a brave face, we can’t feel as though we are failing. Like somehow not coping with pregnancy makes us less of a woman or a mother. Often we are too scared to be truthful in how we feel because we don’t want to be ridiculed or seem to be weak. However, growing a human being takes super strength and it is incredibly hard. It uses up all of your body, mind and spirit. It’s ok, to not be ok sometimes. It’s ok to admit that it’s hard, exhausting and you no longer feel like yourself as you go through all these transformational changes. When you are pregnant you have no control over the changes happening to your body and it’s ok to need help. When someone reaches out to you to ask if you’re ok, be truthful. If someone offers to help, accept their help and if you need help don’t be afraid to ask for it. You don’t need to suffer in silence. You have many people in your life who love, care and support you and would only be too happy to help, if you’ll be so kind to let them. The journey of becoming a mother so many women have faced. We have all felt the varying emotions that come along with being pregnant. From suffering and sadness, to joy, love and happiness. I want you to know that you are not alone, we’ve all been there, and we want to help you in your journey making this transition as easy as possible. Just like sometimes pregnancy sucks, so is being a mother. If you can build an amazing support network whilst your pregnant, easing into your new mumma role will be so much easier with those people around you who love and support you and will pick you up, when you feel as though you can’t go on. Making these Affirmation Cards has been such a labour of love for me. I started designing them when I was pregnant, from the words to the watercolour backgrounds and the drawings. I don't claim to be an artist but I'm so proud of the love and countless hours I've put into them. They were born from the love of wanting to help a few of my close friends who were pregnant with their first children and were anxious, scared and fearful of their journeys of pregnancy, birth and motherhood. By putting my energy into these transformative cards I also began to take steps to heal myself. At the time I had been suffering from depression and perinatal anxiety after my daughter swallowed a button battery and the guilt that I lived with turned my life into a downward spiral. All my life I have loved to help other people and by giving me a place to focus my love and energy helped me to clear some of the thought patterns in my mind also. As a mum of four children I have birthed all my babies without drugs or interventions. I believe that being empowered through knowledge, choices, options and mindset is a huge influencer in the way we bring our babies into the world. Affirmations are a way to train our brain for positive thinking and a positive outlook. Our brain is so incredibly powerful and we all have the ability to see things from Love instead of Fear. I’m so excited to have these cards out there for all the beautiful mummas to share in. My hope is that these cards will bring support, encouragement, empowerment and love to all the Mumma’s that need them.
They Can be purchased here: http://www.mummaloveau.com/affirmation-cards.html A piece I wrote recently for The Peaceful Lactivist!
Becoming a mother is the most amazing and significant event in a woman’s life. As she births her baby, she is also reborn - no longer is she the woman she was before. The emotional adjustment in this transition is incomparable. She is strong, powerful and courageous but also vulnerable. We have been brought up in a world where we are told we can be anything we want to be. Where we are encouraged to follow our dreams and have amazing careers because anything is possible. This is great for equality, but as new mums in this modern world, being everything to everyone can be hard. It’s said that it takes a village to raise a child but we have lost our villages. We don’t have the support there once was to care for a new baby, a new family dynamic and ourselves too. We are so proud of being able to achieve everything - why should raising our children be any different? Why should we need help when we have been taught to be independent and do everything for ourselves. Bringing a baby into the world is such a huge adjustment for everyone involved. Why do we overlook planning for after baby arrives, when this is our most vulnerable time? When we are more tired than we have ever been in our lives, when we are healing from our births and learning to breastfeed - our emotions and hormones are in overdrive and we are faced with this overwhelming reality of what it looks like to be a mother and a parent. We live in a society where we are proud to be up walking the same day as giving birth or going to the shop. We don’t allow ourselves the time needed to rest and recuperate, to really drink in all the deliciousness of a new baby. We know all the usual chores still need to be done so we just do them… That is where a Postpartum Doula can help. A “Doula” meaning to mother the mother, is a support person, someone that is there to help you with your transition to motherhood. A person who will encourage, empower and support you. As a Postpartum Doula I want to be there for you! For whatever you need, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Having birthed four babies myself, I have lived in a world where I have been too proud to ask for or accept help. Attempting so many things whilst adjusting to this new family dynamic. Taking on so much, with so little sleep and so many hormones and emotions in running wild. This is not the way it has to be. We need to go back to the old days, build our villages, surround ourselves with people that want to help and make this transition easier and more beautiful. It’s an honour to do that for my clients - to relieve some of their burden by giving an extra set of hands to help with light housework, cooking or entertaining other children. To be able to help with her new baby so she can rest or have a shower. To usher visitors in, and back out again if so desired. To help process the events of her birth and offer emotional support in her role as a mother. To help her establish breastfeeding and demonstrate some basic baby wearing and yoga stretches (to help the body recover) and to give her time until she is ready – she doesn’t need to rush. I want her to believe in herself and her ability to be an amazing mother. When you hire a Postpartum Doula during your pregnancy, you can look forward to enjoying your newborn baby, instead of worrying about how you will manage everything else. |