To my beautiful boy on your first birthday, As I cradle you in my arms and stare at your sleepy face I realise you are not a baby anymore. It's so hard to believe the year that's just flown by in a flash. It feels like yesterday I was cuddling you for the very first time. Your birth was magical, beautiful and momentous and I hope I always remember that bliss bubble we all lived in. Since the day we welcomed you into the world we have been so blessed, you have been a bursting ray of sunshine in all our lives. As you've learnt to smile, laugh, and now give us kisses our hearts have expanded with the love and light you exude. Your cheeky nature makes us laugh and your sisters are absolutely smitten by you. I wish I could have captured every moment of your existence to date. I’m sorry that I haven’t taken a million photos, videos or kept records of all your momentous milestones. I hope that I have made up for this in the way I have made you feel. I hope my son you have felt loved, safe and happy for all the days we have shared. This past year there have been tears, so many tears not just from you, but me too. There were days I thought I wasn't cut out for this mum gig. I’ve felt overwhelmed when I couldn’t settle you, get you to sleep or comfort you when you were in pain. I’ve questioned everything about myself, my strength and trying to be everything you needed me to be. You have renewed my faith in myself, in the moments I thought I could not get any more sleep deprived, you'd fight sleep more. You pushed me to my core, forced me to dig deep to find the strength I needed to get through those passing moments and days. Your sweet little smile in moments of heartache got me through more days than you could possibly imagine. Your love for me always shining through. As if almost encouraging me and cheering me on in a secret language that only the two of us share. Before we know it you'll be off and running, getting into everything and tormenting your big sisters. There will come a time soon when you won't need to be nursed to sleep or want Mumma cuddles, so perhaps I’ve become a little more attached then necessary. I’ve let you sleep in my arms for hours at a time breathing in your sweet baby breath and staring at your handsome little face. We’ve co-slept for so many more hours than you’ve spent in your own bed and I have worn you in so many types of baby carriers and wraps, keeping you close. These things that have probably benefited me more than you and they will be some of the moments I cherish always. Loving, nurturing, growing and raising children will always be my life’s greatest work. Our family is an ensemble of love and support. Each of our spirits unique and magical in our own ways. We all play our different parts, and alone we are incomplete. I've felt guilt at times for making you a priority and neglecting your sisters and daddy, so to them I apologise. However I know they love you just as much as I do and they know how important your first year of life and development was. They say is takes a village to raise a child, and my Boy we are your village, your soul, connection, safe place and home. It has been so hard at times, as we are both learning and growing but you have brought so much love and joy to my life after such darkness. I'm not sure you will ever truly know what an honour and a privilege it is to be your mummy. So thank you my Son, for choosing me to be your Mumma. My world is a better place with you in it. You filled a space in my heart that I never knew was empty until you came along.
Happy First Birthday my littlest Love. I love you so much, more than you will ever know and can't wait to spend countless birthdays with you, watching you grow into a boy, teenager and man! I hope that you will always look at me and love me the way you do today because my love for you is infinite and to me you'll always be my beautiful little boy. My Love Always, Mumma xx
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I felt it was important to share our story and journey again as there has been quite a bit in the media the past few days about button batteries and their dangers. Fifi Box speaking up about her incident with Trixie and the guilt she felt afterwards and the beautiful Mumma who spoke up on the project the other night. I have read numerous posts in the past few days and some of the comments are so rude. In a world where we continue to tear people down, it's important to realise any negative thing you may have to say could tip a person over the edge. For most of the words that are being said about people not being good parents, that they should watch their children better or that they don't deserve kids etc are so hurtful and in cases often can't even compare to the internal dialogue a mother feels after an event like this. It's time for us to rally around the people that are hurting and build them up by providing love and support in what is already a tumultuous time. Even now, almost 18 months after our Button Battery mishap, I get emotional. I choke up inside, feel my chest tighten and relive that day. I don't think it will ever be something I get over and the guilt I live with everyday is at times so difficult to cope with. We have a beautiful, happy, bubbly three and half year old, and I feel so guilty when she drives me up the wall sometimes. I feel so guilty for getting mad at her and getting upset at her, knowing all the things that could have happened if our button battery incident ended differently. About 18 months ago our youngest daughter swallowed a small button battery. The spare button batteries lived on the top of our fridge because I was lucky enough to be aware of the danger of these to young children.
That fateful day my hubby and I had been cleaning and I left the snaplock bag that had the three button batteries in it on the bench for a minute... Our eldest daughter was playing with children from nextdoor and Bella was playing on and off with them whilst in view from our kitchen. I cant even remember leaving the bench or turning my back for a moment. When I turned around I saw my baby on the floor with the snaplock bag in her hand and her gulping/swallowing something... I ran over to her and instinctively I knew. I knew how many batteries had been in the bag and one was missing. Immediately, I was hysterical. I had read somewhere that if your child swallows a battery that most often they don't survive. I was uncontrollably crying telling my husband we needed to get to the hospital now! I don't think my husband fully understood the severity of the situation and my reaction until he googled and read how serious it was. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face, him trying to be calm for me and to not show how scared he was too. I kept asking her, 'Bella did you eat one of those? Did you swallow the battery? Or where is the battery?' It was so hard trying to get answers from our 2 year old, she kept saying yes then no, not wanting to get into trouble. The car ride to the hospital felt like the longest time, she kept licking her lips and playing with her tongue and every so often her saliva would bubble and scare us even more, so I of course in my heightened dramatic state imagined the acid from the battery eating away at her oesophagus. When we arrived at the hospital she was admitted for x-rays almost straight away. As I was pregnant at the time my husband went in and held her for the x-ray... Again it felt like the longest wait. The doctor called me in and there was my little girl sitting in a hospital bed scared, not knowing what was going on. The x-ray showed she had swallowed the battery... But it had moved past her esophagus and was in her tummy. The doctor informed us that she would just pass it normally in her stools in the coming few days and everything would be fine. She did pass the battery the next day thankfully and is just as healthy as she always has been, we were one of the lucky ones... This event in our lives was the icing on the cake that sent me into a downward spiral. I was diagnosed with high levels of depression and anxiety and struggled to get through most days. I'm sure this was also fueled by my pregnancy hormones. I could not stop beating myself up over "what could have been" and how it was all my fault. How I was such a terrible mother, wife, daughter and friend. It took me a while to seek the courage to ask for help. The first GP I saw just palmed me off as soon as he could. He gave me a referral to speak to someone and wiped his hands of me... I contacted the business and was advised that it was almost $200 a session, twice a week.... Seriously? Does anyone have a $400 spare a week to see a counsellor? I spoke to my midwife next who recommended a lovely lady that comes to you at home with little to no out of pocket expense. I had to go back to the GP to get a new referral written up to see her. The doctor I saw this time was amazing. He sat with me for over an hour, talking about mental health issues, how asking for help was ok and that I wasn't a failure or failing at life. He gave me hope. I was not just a number to him, I was a real person with real feelings. I saw the counsellor in my home over the space of a year. It helped a lot, having someone to confide in that was detached from our situation. Also coming from a space of not wanting to feel this way and to no longer being pregnant and enduring crazy pregnant hormones. This is one of the most honest and scary things I've ever shared... but hopefully in doing so it can help someone somewhere. I finally feel free, the clouds have lifted and I can see the sun shine again. There are things in our lives that affect us all the time. It's how we deal with them and pick ourselves up that makes us stronger, better people. It is ok to ask for help. It is ok to get a second opinion and its ok to be sad and need help to get through the difficult days. I have never been one to ask for or accept help, or really talk about my problems, I'm the one that is always trying to help everyone else. Living through this experience has made me realise that talking and letting people in is essential for growth. It's not ok to keep everything bottled up inside. With everything that has been over the news, The Project, Choice and social media websites the past few days, I am reminded just how lucky we are! We had an accident, that happened in a split second and our daughter swallowed a battery. This moment has forever changed our lives. We are so fortunate to know the incident happened and know that we needed to get to the hospital. I remember now looking back, through the tears and the phone calls to my dad and our friend who is an emergency nurse that I made her drink water. For whatever reason I made her drink, I wonder now is this what saved her life? Was it this small instinctive thing that allows her to still be present in our lives? Or the fact that I just kept praying for a miracle, to the angels and to my grandparents that have passed to keep our baby safe. I'm sure they all played apart in keeping her safe. We are so incredibly lucky to have our beautiful, happy, healthy thriving 3 1/2 year old daughter in our lives, and I will forever be grateful that she is here still lighting up our world and to have everyone that has helped me to get through these tough times even when I tried to push them away. For more info on the dangers of button batteries please see below: https://www.choice.com.au/buttonbatteries https://www.facebook.com/tennews/?pnref=story |